The 3 Mentors You Need (And Why You Keep Going to the Wrong One)

A while back, I was going through a difficult season that was quite personal, and I desperately needed someone to talk to. Fortunately for me, I had godly mentors in my life whom I could reach out to, people I knew were top-notch critical thinkers.

So, without really thinking through how I wanted the conversation to go, I reached out to one of them, thinking I would do a brain dump and allow him to help me unpack it. But as soon as I got on the call and he started talking, I immediately realized that, though he was an incredibly sharp leader, his voice was not what I needed in that particular season.

Before I could even finish sharing what was troubling me, my good friend and mentor began to explain to me the three-part diagnosis for why I was feeling the way I was feeling, and then followed it up with an aggressive five-step plan for how I needed to move forward and overcome it.

Now, to be clear, it was a good plan.

But in that moment, what I needed wasn't a strategist (or a strategy, for that matter, because I sort of knew what I needed to do). What I was desperate for was a friend and a pastor to hear my heart and empathize with my situation. What I needed was a friend to sit with me on the floor and chat, not an instructor to give me steps for how I needed to get back up.

Ever had that experience?

That experience taught me that there are seasons in your life when the issue is not that you lack access to wisdom, but that you can receive from the right person the wrong kind of help for the season you are in.

For example, if your neighbor's house is on fire, that is not the moment to sit him down and him them a lecture on fire safety protocols. Your instruction might be brilliant, but in that moment, what he need isn't instruction, what he needs is intervention.

JESUS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA

Even when you think about Jesus' ministry, His counsel was always directed to the specific need or season of the person or people He was relating to. 

Peter’s Denial: After Peter had denied Jesus three times and ran off weeping, when Jesus later found him after the resurrection, please note that the first thing Jesus did was invite Peter to sit down for breakfast in John 21. Jesus didn’y lecture him about his failure, nor does Jesus tell him, "Bro, I told you the rooster would crow three times, but you didn't listen."

Not once does Jesus guilt-trip him. Rather, the whole conversation during breakfast was actually about restoration to ministry: "Peter, feed My sheep."

The Man at Bethesda:  In John 5, Jesus asks the sick man who had been lying by the Pool of Bethesda an important question: "Do you want to get well?"

That seems like an unnecessary question, right? After all, the only reason anyone came to sit by the Bethesda pool was because they were expecting a supernatural miracle.

There was a superstitious belief among the ancients that, from time to time, an angel would come and stir the waters, and whoever got in first after the water bubbled would be the first one healed. This man had been in this condition for thirty-eight years. This was the only life he knew. This was the only identity he had. And getting into that pool first was the only solution he knew.

Jesus knows this, yet He asks the man if he wants to get well.

I suspect that what Jesus is really asking him is: "Are you ready for a life beyond the one you've gotten used to?" Or even more pointedly: "Do you want healing, or have you settled into managing your condition?"

Jesus is not meeting this man at the level of his condition. Rather, Jesus is meeting him at the level of his readiness, which is what great mentors do. They know that sometimes you don't need a plan; you just need the right questions.

So let me show you the three kinds of mentors you need in your life and, more importantly, how to discern which one you need in each season.

THE CATALYST (THE MENTOR THAT PUSHES YOU)

The Catalyst is the mentor in your life who refuses to let you settle. They’re the ones who have caught a glimpse of something beyond where you are, and as a result, everything they say to you or challenge you to do is intended to push you toward becoming that person, even when you have no idea who that future version of you is.

There is an almost holy dissatisfaction in them whenever they see anything in you that is living below God's intention. Your future is like fire in their bones, which is why, when they speak to you or challenge you to do something, it feels like they are calling you to walk through flames.

Think of them as the kings and queens of interrupting your excuses.

Here Is How You Will Recognize the Catalyst Mentors in Your Life

• When you say, "I just need a little more time," they're the ones who say, "Bro, it's no longer about timing. It's time to be courageous."

• When you say, "I don't feel like I'm ready," they're the ones who say, "You'll never feel ready. When you get moving, readiness will meet you there."

• When you say, "I don't want to make a mistake," they're the ones who say, "Staying where you are might be the bigger mistake."

In the Scriptures, you see this dynamic when Mordecai speaks to his cousin, Queen Esther, in Esther 4:12-14, where instead of coddling her, he says: "“Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Let's be clear, Mordecai was asking Esther to walk through fire. The context makes it plain that you don't just stroll into the presence of the Persian king and say, "Honey dear, please don't kill my people."

Esther could have been executed, yet, Mordecai, though desperate, sensed that Esther had been placed in that position by sovereign hands for a moment exactly like that.

As it turns out, Esther was placed there to be the savior of her people, but it took a Catalyst mentor to call out the courage in her to become the leader God intended her to be. That is because a Catalyst mentor doesn't just affirm your potential; they confront whatever is keeping you from it.

So, When Should You Go to the Catalyst Mentor?

Here’s the tension with Catalyst mentors: they are not the ones to go to when your soul is wounded or when you are looking for a practical plan. Rather…

YOU GO TO THE CATALYST WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT YOU’RE HESITATING.

Some of you know what this is like. You have a vision, and you have a plan, but fear is holding you back. You sense God is calling you forward, but you’re making excuses for why now may not be the right time. That is when you need to reach out to the Catalyst mentor in your life to remind you about what they see in you that you can’t see, and the future they see for you that is not yet clear to you. 

So, who are the people in your life who see beyond your reality and keep reminding you that there’s more in you that the world is yet to see, and that the world needs? Who are the people who consistently challenge and stretch you? Maybe their words unsettle you in a good way because they call you out of your comfort zone. Who are the leaders slightly ahead of you who have taken the risks that you are afraid to take?

Those are the Catalyst mentors that God has placed in your life, whose job is not to make you feel comfortable or to explain your fears, but to help you move past your fears into who God has called you to be.

Two great questions to ask your Catalyst mentor are:

• “Where do you think I’m playing it safe?”

• “What would you say is the next step I’m avoiding right now?”

Their answers will be like rocket fuel in your life to get you where you need to go.

THE COMPANION (THE MENTOR THAT WALKS WITH YOU)

Okay, remember my story at the beginning?

This mentor we are about to discuss, the Companion, was the mentor in my life I should have called; because the Companion mentor in your life is the person who creates space for your soul to breathe. They are not in a hurry to fix your life for you, even though they want to see you get better. The value that these mentors offer you is presence.

Ever been so desperate that you just needed someone to give you their presence, a listening ear, and not try to be a solution expert?

Here Is How You Will Recognize the Companion Mentors in Your Life

They are the ones who, when you share a battle, will respond by saying:

• “Tell me what’s really going on.”

• “Where did that begin?”

• “What are you feeling right now?”

• “What do you hear God saying in this season?”

Can you think of anyone in the Scriptures, in the New Testament, who would be a perfect example of the Companion mentor?  

I think you would agree that the Companion is most clearly seen in, “Joseph, a Levite from Cyprus, whom the apostles called Barnabas (which means “son of encouragement”)” Acts 4:36

It’s in his very name, right? To give you a clearer context, recall that in Acts 9, after Paul had been arresting and killing Christians, and after Jesus met him on the road to Damascus, those next few months were tough for Paul. He couldn’t go back to his old life as a Pharisee because Jesus had just revealed the truth to him. And he couldn’t just go to the Jerusalem church of new believers because half of them were scared of him, and the other half probably hated him for persecuting their family and church members.

It was Barnabas, the Companion mentor and the son of encouragement, who found Paul, spoke to him, and gently took him to present him to the church to show them that he was now on their side. Acts 9:26–28 says: “26 When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul, on his journey, had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus. 28 So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord.”

This is what Companion mentors help you do. When you have been knocked down on the floor, they are the ones who meet you at your lowest point. They are the ones who create safety for you to share your disappointment and your fear.

So, when should you go to the Companion Mentor?

I have a close friend and mentor in my life who is a strong Companion mentor, and as much as I appreciate him, sometimes I feel like he lingers too long helping me process my feelings. Sometimes, when I feel like I am in a place where I want to hear, “Okay, let’s go,” he is still at, “Hmmm, let’s sit with this a little longer.” 

So, in order not to get frustrated, here is when you should go to your Companion mentor.

YOU GO TO YOUR COMPANION MENTOR WHEN YOUR SOUL IS HEAVY, BUT YOU DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND WHY.

Remember:

• You go to the Catalyst when you know what to do, but you’re hesitating. Your Catalyst will help you see the future and motivate you to run.

• But you go to your Companion mentor when, externally, you feel like you are doing all the right things, but internally, you feel tired, confused, or disconnected. You feel like you can’t quite put your finger on the issue. You just know something is off.

So, who are the people in your life that you feel emotionally safe with? Who are the people who don’t rush you, but instead make space for you to talk and help you process what you are feeling? Who are the people who ask you questions that make you think, not just about the situation, but about your heart?

Those are the Companion mentors God has placed in your life, not just to help you succeed, but to help you become whole as you pursue success.

Two great questions to ask your Companion mentor are:

• “What do you hear me saying beneath what I’m saying?”

• “What patterns in my life have you noticed that I should pay attention to?”

Their answers will be like a balm on your soul, or on a wound you didn’t even know was there.

THE STRATEGIST (The Mentor That Guides You)

The Strategist mentors are the voices in your life that bring order, structure, and clarity. It sounds strange to say this, but they are not primarily concerned with how you feel or even what you could someday become. Where they focus their energy is helping you understand how to actually get things done and how to move forward wisely.

Let me put it this way:

• The Catalyst mentor helps you see your future.

• The Companion mentor cares for your soul as you head toward that future.

• The Strategist mentor is the one who helps you build a path to get to that future.

So, that mentor I spoke with at the beginning, the one I later regretted calling? Yeah, he was a Strategist mentor. His gifts and skills are the ability to take something that feels overwhelming, confusing, or scattered and break it down into clear, actionable, and achievable steps.

They are the kings and queens of bringing clarity to confusion. If you are with them in a class, they usually like to draw graphs or illustrate the path you should follow.

Here Is How You Will Recognize the Strategist Mentors in Your Life 

• When you say, “I don’t know where to start,” they are the ones who will say, “Okay, let’s break this down and start here.”

• When you say, “Man, I’m feeling overwhelmed,” they are the ones who will say, “That’s because you are trying to do too much at once. Focus on this first.”

• When you say, “I’ll figure it out as I go,” they are the ones who will say, “You can do that, but here’s a better way that will save you time and pain.”

Can you think of anyone in the Scriptures, in the Old Testament, who would be a perfect example of the Strategy mentor? The clearest example that comes to mind is Jethro in Exodus 18, Moses’ father-in-law.

If you recall that account, Moses has just led millions of people out of captivity and into life in the wilderness, but Moses has not yet set up an efficient leadership structure. He’s literally sitting from morning until night judging case after case. Every decision is being run past him, every dispute is landing on his table, and he is carrying all this burden alone, among a people numbering in the millions.

Quite frankly, he’s on a speed train heading toward burnout, and he doesn’t even know it.

But that is where Jethro steps in. Let me read Exodus 18:17–23 to you, and tell me if you hear the Strategy mentor in these words: “17 ‘This is not good!’ Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. 18 ‘You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself. 19 Now listen to me, and let me give you a word of advice, and may God be with you. You should continue to be the people’s representative before God, bringing their disputes to Him. 20 Teach them God’s decrees, and give them His instructions. Show them how to conduct their lives. 21 But select from all the people some capable, honest men who fear God and hate bribes. Appoint them as leaders over groups of one thousand, one hundred, fifty, and ten. 22 They should always be available to solve the people’s common disputes, but have them bring the major cases to you. Let the leaders decide the smaller matters themselves. They will help you carry the load, making the task easier for you. 23 If you follow this advice, and if God commands you to do so, then you will be able to endure the pressures, and all these people will go home in peace.’”

Notice that Jethro does not sit down and give Moses a hug or offer him a motivational speech. Rather, he gives Moses a structure and a plan: Appoint leaders, here are the criteria, delegate responsibility, create systems.

This is what the Strategy mentors in your life help you do, they don’t just sympathize with you, they help you restructure your life.

Okay, So When Do You Go to a Strategy Mentor To Seek Counsel?

First, let me recap: You go to the Catalyst mentor when you know what to do, but you're hesitating. You go to your Companion mentor when your soul is heavy, and you don't fully understand why.

YOU GO TO THE STRATEGIST WHEN YOU ARE CLEAR ON WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT WISELY.

So, think: Who are the people in your life who naturally think in systems and structure? Who are the people who help you simplify things that feel complicated? Who are the people who already have life experience in areas where you are trying to grow?

These are the Strategist mentors God has placed in your life to help you bring structure or help you restructure your life wisely.

Some great questions to ask your Strategist mentor are:

• “What would you do if you were in my position?”

• “What am I not seeing that could cost me later?”

• “What is the wisest next step you see that I should take right now?”

I know some of you have mentors in your life who seem to carry all three of these gifts, and that is wonderful. But generally speaking, most mentors are naturally stronger in one area than the others.

CAUTION: YOUR MENTOR IS NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT

Mentors are gifts from God, but they are not substitutes for God. One of the most dangerous mistakes leaders make is outsourcing their discernment, as in replacing what God wants to say with what the loudest voice in your life is saying.

Listen, a mentor can offer perspective, but only the Holy Spirit provides perfect timing, full understanding, and complete alignment with God's will. So, as you engage each type of mentor, you must remain spiritually attentive, receiving their input, but filtering it through prayer, Scripture, and inner conviction.

RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR IN EACH MENTOR VOICE

Catalyst Red Flags: The Catalyst sees who you can become so clearly that they may unintentionally push you faster than your soul has matured. They can call you forward before you've been properly grounded. If you are not discerning, you may find yourself moving ahead of God's pace, not just your own.

So, when you find yourself dealing with a forceful catalyst mentor, ask yourself: Am I being stretched, or am I being rushed? Is this faith, or subtle pressure to perform? 

A Catalyst is powerful, but timing still belongs to God.

Companion Red Flags: The Companion creates such a safe and healing space that you may begin to settle there longer than you should. They protect your heart so well that they may not always challenge your hesitation. If you are not discerning, you may find yourself understanding your feelings deeply but not moving forward faithfully.

So, when you find yourself dealing with a coddling companion mentor, ask yourself: Am I being healed, or am I hiding? Is this processing, or quiet avoidance?

A Companion nurtures your soul, but growth still requires movement. 

The Strategist Red Flags:  The Strategist brings structure, answers, and direction, but may not always account for your emotional or spiritual readiness. They can map out a brilliant path without fully discerning the condition of your heart. And, if you are not discerning, you may find yourself executing a wise plan with an unprepared soul. 

So, when you find yourself dealing with a highly structured strategist mentor, ask yourself:  Is this plan aligned with my capacity, or just my potential? Am I ready to carry what this strategy will produce?

A Strategist builds the path, but your soul must be ready to walk it.

 Where this all ultimately brings us to is…

WHAT KIND OF MENTOR ARE YOU? A Two-Sided Question to Take Away From This Training:

Question 1: Whose Voice Do You Most Need in This Season of Your Life?

• If you have been shrinking back, playing it safe, or delaying what you already know God is asking of you, then what you need is a Catalyst mentor, because the Catalyst gives you courage to act.

• If your soul has been heavy, discouraged, or quietly worn down, and you're longing for space to breathe, process, and heal, then what you need is a Companion mentor, because the Companion gives you care.

• If you have vision, but things feel messy, overwhelming, or unclear, and you need wisdom for how to move forward with structure, then what you need is a Strategist mentor, because the Strategist gives you clarity.

So, who already exists in your world who carries that grace? And just as importantly, how can you approach them clearly enough that they know what kind of help you are actually asking for?

Question 2: Which Of the Three Mentor Voices Comes Most Naturally to You, And How Can You Speak It Clearer and Louder into The Lives of Those God Has Brought into Your Life?

You can usually tell which mentor voice comes most naturally to you by paying attention to your instincts when people come to you for help or advice. 

• If your natural instinct when people come to you for help is to challenge them, push them, or call them higher, then you are naturally a Catalyst. If someone comes to you for help, and after hearing them, all you can think is, “C'mon, you can do way better than this. You can't remain in this position,” you're most likely a Catalyst.

• If your natural instinct when people come to you for help is to listen, slow things down, and help them process what they are feeling, then you are naturally a Companion. If someone comes to you for help, and after hearing them, you lean in and say, “Let's understand what's really going on,” you're most likely a Companion.

• If your natural instinct when people come to you for help is to immediately start solving, organizing, and giving them a clear path forward, then you are naturally a Strategist. If someone comes to you for help, and after hearing them, your mind immediately starts creating a plan and thinking, “Okay, here is the first thing you need to do,” you are a Strategist.

What you instinctively and naturally offer to others in times of need is often a clue as to how God has wired you to mentor others.

Let me say this: In the areas of mentoring where you are not naturally gifted, seek the Holy Spirit's help, but in the areas where you are naturally wired as a mentor, lean in hard and play to your strengths.

I have learned to be clear about what I can offer people when they come to me for help. In fact, one of the most spiritual things you can do in conversations with a mentee is to pause before you speak and ask yourself, or even ask them: 

• What does this person need from me right now?

• Do they need courage, care, or clarity?

• Will what I am about to say help them or frustrate them?

I have had to be honest with some people in meetings and say: "Hey, I am not the best long-term strategic thinker, but I am willing to hear you out, let you pour your heart out, and allow both of us to listen for what God might be saying."

Sometimes the reason mentoring relationships struggle is not because the mentor lacks wisdom, but because the mentor is offering courage when the person needs care, or offering clarity when the person needs courage.

The right voice, in the wrong season, can still feel like the wrong voice.

So, looking at your life right now: Which do you need most: courage, care, or clarity? And what is one step you will take this week to pursue it?