Application to Date My Daughter

Dads of Daughters, I Have Solved All Our Problems.

After years of research, prayer, observation, and a healthy amount of fatherly suspicion, I believe I have finally solved one of the great challenges facing dadkind:

How do we determine whether some young man is worthy of dating our daughter?

Well, worry no more. You need no longer guess. You need no longer endure awkward conversations, or sit at the kitchen table fake-polishing your gun collection when he shows up to introduce himself for the first time.

I have developed the official Application to Date My Daughter; a comprehensive screening process designed to uncover virtually everything a responsible father needs to know about a potential suitor: his spiritual life, character, GPA, IQ, employment status, church attendance, family background, future ambitions, creditworthiness, driving record, whether he owns a car, whether the car is actually his, and whether it starts without three people pushing it.

It also inquires about tattoos, suspicious piercings, social-media activity, what his parents do, where his family is from, whether anyone respectable can vouch for them, his understanding of the word late, and whether he has enough home training to call me “Sir” instead of “Bro.”

Nothing intrusive, just the basics.

Naturally, submitting his application does not guarantee approval. All applications are subject to your prayer, fasting, background checks, further investigation, and whatever additional requirements you happens to come up with while reviewing your paperwork.

Fellow dads, you're welcome. And to the brave young man interested in my daughter… May the odds be ever in your favor.

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